Happy Birthday, Sister!!

I haven't blogged for a while now. Not sure why. I have had plenty of things I could have said, but in the end, I just didn't. I will try to do better, really I will.

Today is my younger sister, Darcy's 28th birthday. So in honor of her and her special day, I am posting some pics of us from our younger days. Happy Birthday, Sister. I love you.

Free-Range Kids?

A Friend of mine recently sent me a link to the following article, which appeared in Newsweek Magazine. Ironically, this friend has no children and has no plan to have any. (So what is she doing reading a story about mothering?!) Maybe she just wanted to see what those of us who are mothers think of the "Free-Range Kids" movement.

Whatever the case, I found the article interesting and it made me think, are we coddling our kids too much? Are our kids going to grow up being scared of their own shadows because we are too frightened to let them experience anything without holding our hands?

I haven't really decided how I feel about this yet. But, I do have to admit that it made me think about my parenting style and what I want my parenting style to be. I hope to be able to find a happy medium. But, who am I kidding? I am a first-time-Mom.

Enjoy the following article and let me know what you think.

Mothering As A Spectator Sport

The author of "Free-Range Kids" on why it's time for us to stop obsessing about childhood dangers and the consequences of every decision we - and other moms - make.

By Lenore Skenazy / Special to Newsweek

Happy Mother's Day!

Oh, I know the burnt toast and dandelion bouquet won't come till May 10. But, lately every day is Mother's Day, thanks to our relentless focus on mom (and to a lesser extent dads) and the way they parent.

Parenting has become a spectator sport. We set the bar extremely high for what is "good" parenting and start judging the moment we hear someone did something that could be considered one drop dangerous.

I should know. I'm the mom who let her 9-year-old ride the New York subway by himself. Just about a year ago I made national news when my husband and I decided to take our son someplace he hadn't been before and let him try to find his way home by himself on public transportation. (By day, not very far from home, with money and a may and quarters for a phone call.) The very thing he'd been begging us to let him do for months. He made it home fine. btw, but millions of folks weighed in, often critically, on my parenting.

Now I feel a little like Miss America, passing my "Bad Mom" crown and scepter to Madlyn Primoff, the Scarsdale, NY, lawyer who was arrested for endangering the welfare of a child a few weeks back after she left her two daughters, ages 10 and 12, in a shopping area of a New York City suburb because they were bickering in the car. (Both the girls got home safely, though one did wind up waiting for her parents at the local police station.)
Primoff can have the crown, but I'm keeping the scepter for self-defense. All moms could use one. It was only when complete strangers started saying I was lazy/crazy/cable-TV-fodder-in-the-making that I began to understand that a lof of us Americans are raising our kids in the utter state of panic. We are convinced that every day, in every way, our children are in terrible peril. We are obsessed with other parents' child-rearing decisions - and our own - because we're being told each one is of life and death importance.

And it's not just about stranger danger. It begins even before birth, with the pregnancy diet books (a whole new genre!) telling us "each bite" is going to determine if our kids are golden - or duds. Same goes for every other parenting decision we make: are you have natural childbirth? If not, you're traumatizing the baby! Are you breastfeeding? If not, your kid's going to be a dummy! With allergies? And extra-chunky thighs! Are you feeding your kid nonorganic baby food? Did you wait too long to sign her up for music lessons? Shouldn't you get that toy that teaches multiplication? But the biggest decision of all, of course, is: can I ever leave my kids to their own devices? To climb a tree or walk to school? And lately, the answer is: no. Not until their hair goes gray and they start liking bran flakes. The prevailing belief is that even one unscheduled, unsupervised childhood episode (like the car ejection) is dangerous to the point of criminal. That kids could never possibly buck up and ask someone for helf, or figure out how to use a public phone, or ask direction to the police station.

But that Scarsdale lawyer's kids were not preschoolers. At age 10 or 12 in other areas, those kids have been apprenticed already. Or working as servants in someone else's house, or picking coffee beans. Actually, in other countries, some children that age are still picking coffee beans. Why do we assume that today's American kids are the dumbest, most vulnerable, least competent generation ever - and that we are doing them a favor by treating them almost as if they are disabled? ("Let me open the car door for you, honey!) Because that's what our culture tells us to do. It tells us that kids need extra classes, extra padding and extra supervision just to make it through another day. It tells us we should always plan for the worst-case scenario. And it warns us that they are in physical danger from a crime-crazed world, even though, nationally, our crime rate is back to what it was in 1970. Yes, if you grew up in the '70s or '80s, times are safer now than when you were a kid. That's according to U.S. Bureau of Justice statistics. We Americans have a very hard time believing that good news because good news is not what we are soaking in. Mostly we are soaking in 24-hour cable, bringing is the worst stories - especially child abductions - from all corners of the globe. (Aruba, anyone? Portugal?) When we flip to TV police dramas like "CSI," we see maggots and autopsies and the freakiest, saddest scenarios Hollywood can dream up, usually involving duct tape. These stories, so graphically told, sear themselves on our brains. Pick up a parenting magazine instead, and we find article after article, "Is your child's crib safe?" "Is your child's food safe?" "Is your child's [fill in the blank with something that seems extremely safe, like a pillow] safe?" If that magazine can't convince us that it has some lifesaving info that we really must read to keep our kids alive, we won't buy it. So it's in the same biz as TV news: It simply has to scare us.

In short: we are being brainwashed with fear and it makes us worry that everything we do as parents may be putting our kids in danger. That's why we judge other parents so harshly, and why we keep out kids cloistered like Rapunzel. Don't get me wrong. As founder of the Free-Range Kids movement - a group of people who believe in giving kids more freedom and responsibility - my philosophy is not to throw kids out of the car (sorely tempting though that may be at times). But, Free-Range parents do believe that kids are more capable and competent that we give them credit for. And that, after teaching them basic safety, they need some freedom to develop as smart, happy, responsible humans. Not crazy freedom. Just the kind of freedom we had. back when parenting decisions were not the stuff of national news.

Skenazy is founder of the blog-turned-parenting-movement FreeRangeKids.com and author of, "Free Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry." (Wiley, April 2009)

I Will Remember You

Recently I posted a blog about losing my cousin to suicide. Last week I traveled 300 miles to attend his funeral. I knew this was going to be hard and very emotional, so I tried to prepare myself. I don't think there is a way to prepare for something like this. Some aspects of the whole funeral process were just as hard as I thought they would be, and some were harder.

The day before the funeral there was a viewing at the funeral home. Before attending I was unsure if this was something I wanted to attend. I wasn't sure if I needed to see him. I didn't know if this would bring closure. I am still unsure how I feel about it. In some ways I am glad I got to say goodbye but in some ways I worry that it may have changed my final memory of my cousin.

My last living memory of Matthew was from last Christmas Eve. Each year we all get together and have a holiday celebration with food, gifts and games. Each year we end up playing the card game, "Pit." We all love it, it is loud and chaotic and just the best time. Last year was the first year that I can remember Matthew playing with us. There are a few things about playing that game that night that stick out in my mind. One being all of us laughing hysterically, seriously. I have a video that my step-dad shot with my camera of all of us just cracking up. The other memory is of me sharing a bit too much info about my fear of cows, (seriously, they are just scary.) I remember everyone laughing and making fun of me about it. It didn't bother me, it is all a part of being a member of a huge extended family. I will never forget Matthew kept saying how he was going to get me something with a cow head on it next Christmas. Now that will never happen. But, the memory of the conversation gives me comfort. I feel like that memory and that conversation is mine to keep, no one can touch it. I will carry it with me always.

Memories are funny things. Some memories you can never erase no matter how hard you try and some are fleeting like time.

I was there when my Uncle (also my Godfather) saw Matthew for the first time at the viewing and that memory will forever be etched in my mind. It broke my heart to watch him crumble in the doorway and have to be held up by my parents. It broke my heart to watch him say goodbye to his son, to a piece of him. But, what struck me the most was what he had the clarity of mind to say after. He said, "I thought I was complete and then I met Leslie, (my aunt) then I thought I was complete, then we had Matthew ... then I was complete. How do I go on without him?"

Through all the heartbreak I saw the human spirit triumph through faith and love. My family is so important to me, I saw everyone band together to support each other, I also saw that my Aunt and Uncle's faith in God will get them through this as well as their love for each other. In my heart I know we will all be OK and will find a way to live without Matthew in our lives but he will live on forever in our hearts and memories. Matthew will forever be with me.

I don't think saying goodbye to him has changed my final memory. I still see him playing Pit and laughing. That is how I will remember him always.

R.I.P.
Matthew Hopkins
March 26, 1993 - April 21, 2009

Rest In Peace, Matthew.

Yesterday I learned of the death of my cousin, Matthew. Any death is a sad event and a profound loss. But, this seems different. His death was not the result of an accident or illness. He committed suicide.

How do you make sense of the loss a smart, loving and wonderful 16-year-old boy? Especially like this? There are so many questions that will probably never been answered, like why? He had everything going for him. He had straight A's, loved baseball, hunting and recently got his driver's license.

How does a parent go on when their only child dies? This has hit me especially hard because I have a young son. I can not imagine what I would do if this happened to my child. Last night all I could do was watch D sleeping and kiss him and hope his dreams were sweet. That is all we want for our children ... everything.

So what now? I guess we move on, grieve and try to comfort each other. Most of all we have to remember the good times and how he touched our lives and that we are better for having known him at all. He only had 16 years on this earth, but he left his mark on all our hearts.

Matthew, you will be missed. I love you.

The TV is Moving!

My son loves to spin around in circles until he is too dizzy to stand up. I for one do not see the appeal in this but still love to watch D-Man partake.
Tonight he spun round and round then stopped and said, "The TV is moving." This was the funniest thing I have heard in a long time. The best part is that D-man really thought the TV was moving.
It will be a sad day when things like spinning in circles will not be enough to keep my son happy. Someday he will move on to being really in to girls, video games and fast cars. But for now I am just happy with watching my son spin in circles, and I am glad he is too.

The Sad Truth, my life is now ... only being lived through Facebook

Lately I have been staring at my blog that I never update and wonder why? Why do I have such a hard time finding things to blog about? My life is really not that boring. But, still I can find nothing to say. Then I look at some of my friend's blogs, some people have so much to say and have a new one like every other day! (Kerrie, I am talking about you! You must be like superwoman.)

So instead of writing something super profound or interesting I am just going to say that I love my son, husband, family and friends so much and would love to chat and catch up with them the old fashioned way more often.

When I say old fashioned, I mean the telephone or possibly in person. It seems like most people don't have real relationships anymore and everyone lives vicariously through Facebook. I admit I am guilty of this too. I am addicted to Facebook. To me it is a little bit voyeuristic, which I love. You get to see a glimpse of other people's lives, but of course you have to remember it is only what they WANT you to see. You rarely get the real, true picture of someone's life. Wouldn't it be great if everyone was really as happy and successful as they seem on Facebook? I have really enjoyed getting to know who married who from high school or how many kids the Mormons that I went to school with have popped out, without really having to talk to them. But, these are not real relationships, and might as well not be real people. I think I want to try to have real friendships that can stand the true test - a phone conversation that lasts more than 5 minutes or a conversation over coffee and cupcakes.

A Snow Day In Renton

It doesn't snow in Renton very often, so when it does we have to take full advantage of it.

Who is Darby anyway?

My son loves, loves, loves the characters from Winnie the Pooh. He knows all of them on sight and has for quite some time. His favorite is Piglet. He has a little stuffed Piglet that he has had since birth that is his transitional object. Seriously, my son loves him. I have had to sew him back together at least 3 times! He is so dirty, and once upon a time he had stripes and squeeked. No more of either one, the stripes can only be seen in old pictures and the squeek, it is a distant memory.
D-Man is not really into television, he doesn't know who Barney is or who Dora or Diego are. (I like it and plan to keep it that way.) But he loves his Pooh characters.

So we DVR the show, "My Friends Tigger and Pooh." It is on the Disney channel and he will watch those and laugh and laugh and ask for more "Tiggpooh." I even starting enjoying them, but it lead me to ask the obvious questions, if you have ever seen the show. Who is Darby and where the heck is Christopher Robin? It seems that the 100 acre wood must have had a little too much testosterone so they added a little girl to make it more appealing to females? Personally I don't like Darby, she is a know-it-all and doesn't really do it for me. D-Man, well he doesn't care as long as Piglet, Tigger (he calls him Rarrr) and Pooh are there. I guess that is what really matters. Little kids don't care that Christopher Robin has been replaced by an annoying little girl named Darby, why should I?

A Very Batman Christmas

This Christmas we decided to make D-Man's Santa presents have a theme. It was decided that the theme would be Batman. For the main present we bought D the Bat Cave, then we bought all the figures that go with it, like the Joker, the Penguin, Mr. Freeze, Batman, Robin and even Superman and his dog. We also bought all the vehicles such as, the Bat Wing, Bat Car, helicopter and motorcycles. We also bought Batman slippers and Batman pajamas with a cape to complete the experience.

Christmas morning 2008 was more fun than I can remember since I was kid. There is something about watching your own child open their presents and be so excited. It was so worth having to wrap all that stuff! I can't wait until next Christmas!

The Last Two Weeks ...

I vow to blog more in 2009 ... really ... ok, I will at least try.

I just got home last night from two weeks at my parent's house in Idaho. It was only supposed to be one week for Christmas but there was so much snow and Snoqualmie Pass closing a few times ... we couldn't get home. But, finally we caught a break yesterday.

Man, it is nice to be home. There is nothing like sleeping in your own bed, showering in your own shower and being surrounded by your own stuff. Not to mention that there is no snow here. In Idaho we were literally buried in it. I quickly remembered how to drive in the stuff. I think I had forgotten living in the Seattle area for the last 10 years. But, I guess some things you never forget. It was even fun driving in at times. My car has snow tires and all-wheel drive so it handles awesome in the white stuff. There was even an occasion on Christmas night that my sister, brother and I even got out of our car to push some guy's car that was stuck in front of us. Now, if that is not Christmas spirit, I don't know what is. We also followed a fire truck that was decorated from top to bottom with lights and even came equipped with a real Santa on top. The roads were terrible but that didn't keep the fire dept. from spreading Christmas cheer. We called that our "magical holiday moment."

We Really Did Try

Tonight we attempted to take a family photo for our Christmas card. Usually by the 7th of December, I have not only ordered my Christmas cards, but I have already started sending them out! I am a bit behind this year. My sister is visiting us for a few more days so we thought we would take advantage of having someone to take the photo that is not in the photo; you know what I mean the whole one hand out, not sure what will actually be in the picture.
Even with the advantage of having my sister here, we had a much bigger problem. We have a wiggly two-year-old. We probably took about 20 photos, none of which are "picture perfect." But, we finally gave up and decided on one that D was actually sort-of looking at the camera and all of us had our eyes open. Here are some of the photos that didn't make the cut. You will have to wait for the Christmas card to see the one we chose.

Halloween 08

Hope everyone's Halloween was as great as ours was. Here are some photos of "our little devil."

This and That ... ya know

I haven't blogged in a while ... I just really haven't felt like I had anything to say. It is not that my life is boring. Life is NEVER boring with a two-year-old. I just kept thinking that I need to come up with a clever story or a monumental event to write about. I guess I am still waiting.

Two of my friend's babies are turning one next week. I can't believe they are going to be a year old already. It reminds me of how fast my son is growing. For the longest time he would only speak with one word answers or phrases. Now he is stringing words together. He says things like, "sit, momma," "up momma," eat, momma," "down, momma" and "sing sunshine." You get the idea. He also repeats everything that we say. So needless to say this has curbed the swearing in our house. It is amazing to watch how his brain works and how he learns something new everyday. If you ask him how old he is, he will tell you he is two, if you ask what color eyes he has, he will tell you blue, he will tell you that he has brown hair and wants Batman for Christmas.

We are all very excited for Halloween. (D-Man was conceived after a Halloween party in 2005.) We decorated our house with orange lights, fake cobwebs and spiders and skulls. We got D-Man's costume, he is going to be a devil, we thought it was fitting for him this year. We are also very excited to head out into the cold to go trick or treating. I remember loving this as a kid. Every year my Dad would take me and I would get so much candy that I would be eating it until Christmas. And, I never remember minding the cold. D is still pretty little so we may just limit our trek to our neighborhood.

Happy Halloween!

Gotta Love This Face

Order VS. Chaos

I started my new job this week at the library. So far it has been great. I sort and shelve books for four hours a night. Doesn't sound like fun to most people but, most people don't alphabetize their CDs either. I love order and knowing where to find things ... always.

This poses a problem in my house, Ryno is messy and resists order of any kind. He can never seem to find his keys, wallet, phone, brain ... ok, maybe the last one is always in the same place but if it wasn't part of him he would probably lose it too. We have a key rack in our kitchen and I ALWAYS hang my keys up. Ryno never does. But, when I see his keys in random places I usually pick them up and hang them up. Then when he needs his keys he can never find them because I have actually put them away for him. You would think he would be used to this by now, but it seems that they key rack is the last place on earth he looks.

I also find it amusing to watch him look for the oven mitts to take something out of the oven ... the oven mitts are in the second drawer to the left of the oven; the same place they have been since we moved into our house more than 6 years ago. But, he can never seem to remember this. He opens every drawer except for that one looking for them. I have to laugh. He says things like, that is not where his mom kept the oven mitts when he was growing up ... hello, it has been more than 10 years since you lived with your mom!

It seems I have passed my obsessive-compulsive organizing nature onto D-Man. He likes things just so. If something is not in the right place he will stand there and point and make strange sounds or say, "Momma, Momma" until I come remedy the problem. He has to have all plugs plugged into outlets, cabinets closed, closet doors closed, remote controls put away, I-Pod docked and dirty clothes thrown down the stairs, (Ryno has a hard time with this one because he leaves his clothes wherever in the bedroom and regardless of whether or not they are dirty they end up down the stairs if not put away.) Ryno blames me for teaching D-Man these things. But, I do not remember teaching him any of these things. It must be a trait he was born with, undoubtedly passed on by me.The one area this does not translate is his toys. He doesn't seem to care about the disarray in this one area. He has no problem spreading them throughout the whole house.

Food N Hair

My Son likes to play with his food, especially likes to rub things into his hair. But, he HATES getting his hair washed. How ironic.

I Got The Job!

The library called today. I got the job. I start next Tuesday. I don't think it would be possible for me to be more excited! I will now be a part of the masses, at least the employed masses. The job is only 8 hours per week, so very part-time. I will still get to spend all day with my D-Man, but by night I will be a library page. It has a nice ring to it.

I'm The Winner!

Man, I wish I was a kid again.

Full-Time Momma, Part-Time Library Page?

I recently applied for a part-time job, more for fun than anything. I didn't really think much would come of it. The job was for a library page for the King County Public Library System. Only an 8-12 hour per week gig. I thought it sounded about perfect for me. I love the library, books and needed some kind of employment to get me out of the house and back into the real world for a few hours per week.

Well, I got an interview, which I think went pretty well. But, I guess you never know. Maybe they hated me and were just too nice to let on. The hours are perfect, evenings and weekend. I could totally do this! They just have to hire me. They are doing more interviews next week so I won't hear anything until the end of next week at the earliest so ... I guess I just have to be patient.

Unrelated, but exciting ...

I recently talked to my sister, Darcy. She told me that when she gets back to NYC she has a meeting with Alicia Keys' manager to talk about representation. My sister has been networking like crazy lately. I guess all her hard work is starting to pay off. I will just keep on believing in her and eventually who knows ... maybe I will be sitting in the front row of that Broadway theatre sooner than I expected. Good luck Sister!

The Zombie Mobile

We were invited to a Labor Day BBQ over the weekend ... near Portland in Vancouver, WA, which is more than 150 miles away from us. The BBQ was at Ryno's childhood friend, A's house. We decided that we didn't have anything else going on and we were going to go. Sounds good so far, right? Well, throw D-Man in the mix and you have a whole new trip.

D-Man doesn't do very well sleeping anywhere but home, actually he doesn't really sleep that well at home either. Whenever we sleep away from home (at least the first night) he wakes up about midway through the night screaming and won't go back to sleep for, seriously hours and hours. We knew that this was a risk we were taking by staying the night at A's house. But, we figured with the next day being a holiday and no one having to get up for work the next day it would be fine. Guess again. As it turned out A's wife had to get up early the next morning for work ... so we all went to bed and D was as snug as a bug in his porta crib.

Then at 4 am the screaming started. Ryno retrieved D as quickly as possible from the next room and put him in bed with us. But, sleep was just not to be had. He quickly was climbing from the bed and saying "go go." So we got him up as quietly as humanly possible with a two-year-old and gave him some cereal, but this only gave him more energy. So by 5:30 am we decided rather than wake up the whole house we would load everything in the car and head for home. We felt bad leaving without a word to our hosts but thought it was better this way.

Ryno and I were both exhausted, we each got about 2 hours of sleep since we stayed up watching a movie with A the night before. We hit McDonald's for some iced coffee and crappy breakfast fast food. I drove almost the whole way home because as I put it, "I just want to get there and crawl into bed." Once we hit Tacoma, D was having none of it. His eyes were drooping and he was screaming and throwing his stuffed Piglet all over the car and yelling "biggie biggie!" But, we had to keep him awake until we got home otherwise he would think the 15 minutes he would have gotten at that point would be enough to sustain a few more hours of playtime at home ... but we made it, by 8:30 am we were in front of our house. No sleep was had for 4 1/2 hours and we were all showing telltale Zombie signs. We came inside plopped D down in his crib, he put his head down on the pillow and said "nigh nighs" and was out like a light. Ryno and I quickly followed suit and all was quiet in our little kingdom ... for a few hours at least.